The Vast Wasteland

The Boob Tube, The Idiot Box, White Noise, The Glass Teat, A Vast Wasteland. Criticizing television is the ultimate low hanging fruit. Even if you do have your own personal tv favorites, that still leaves you hundreds of channels and thousands of shows to loath.

Back in Berkeley my onscreen guide shows only the channels I receive. Yes, I am one of those types who actually reads the manual and does the full setup on my electronic toys. No shopping channels, no cartoons, block the foreign language channels, CMT is out; well you get the idea. My friends here in Lake Shastina have a satellite dish and their guide shows every channel with the all the channels they don't get dimmed but still readable.

The other day I was familiarizing myself with the options for evening surfing when I saw a listing for Perfect Boobs. What the hell could it be? A reality show? The Surgery Channel? Perhaps, a workout video. Turns out it was an infomerical for a revolutionary bra. But really can you imagine a time when Perfect Boobs might have caused an uproar in certain places if used in a tv guide? I went through the entire scroll for a Tuesday evening and found the following uplifting titles. None of these are porn channel offerings.

Brazilian Butt - another infomercial

Look Good Naked - exercise DVD

Sleep Sex - I have no idea

Drinking Made Easy - it was difficult because?

16 and Pregnant - reality show

I am not a fan of censorship in any form. I sympathize with parents who wish to protect their kids from certain content but I generally come down on the side of a free and open market of information. But should someone wish to make such an option available to parents would that mean having to censor the tv guide? I mean paid cable channels sure, even selected shows of course, but the channel guide? 

Perfect Boobs really??? Next thing you know we will have little plastic containers full of unknown liquids that plug into electrical outlets and vaporize the chemicals to add odor to your house.

Psychoanalysis by DVD-R

Being a transient means that you can fall behind on technological advances that require one to have some form of geographic stability. Or, to put it more bluntly, you don't purchase big honking tech equipment when you live out of a car. I haven't owned a television or the up-to-date accoutrements of the visual/video medium for about five years. This doesn't mean that I don't watch the boob tube, I am not that evolved. However, when I indulge, I watch what is currently playing on any of the 200+ channels my current host's system might have available.

I know, my teenage nephew thinks I will walk into a Blockbuster and try to rent a VHS tape of Caddyshack II.

On my extended visitations over the last six months, I have noticed that nearly everyone, who is anyone, has gotten on the DVD-R bandwagon. No one but us Luddites remains a slave to the mundane scheduling of the network or cable advertising execs. At least one person in each DVD-R household as semi-mastered the intricacies of the new technology, so that now anyone can sit down day or night and view from their own pre-selected favorites list.

But beware of the technological backlash. On one of my stopovers I found weeks and weeks of The Biggest Loser and Bridezillas, not to mention enough Apprentice and American Idol to make you want to shove Donald Trump's hairpiece down Simon Cowell's throat. So here are my thoughts on committing your tv addictions to semi-public format.

First, I merely felt it might be embarrassing should your television viewing preferences become widely known, but that has been semi-true for years. Now, however, there is evidence to impeach your "only PBS and Discovery" channel lies. On deeper reflection I came up with even more potential uses for this tekkie evidence trail.

When someone comes into therapy, we need some basics about their life situation. Age, gender (if not obvious), martial status, educational level and, of course, the alleged presenting issues. I would also like some insight into a client's head, which I would like to get fast and dirty without their intervening avoidance behavior and obfuscation. And now I have it!

Bring me your DVD-R list. This will tell me more than fourteen sessions about your mother and why your spouse doesn't understand you. Your boss may be a jerk but you watch The Office. Your weight issues could have something to do with unending episodes of Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives. And you seem to be getting relationship advice from the Kardashians.

This new information could revolutionize the counseling and therapy industry but for now my advice to all of you DVD-R addicts out there: Learn to erase and do it now!

Sorry but your time is up. Please pay the hermaphrodite out front. See you next week.

Reality or Something Like It

[Content Disclosure: Reality Television, Guilty Pleasures]

Yes, I admit it I like reality television. However, I have both discrimination and taste; neither of which is to be found in the shows I like. The truth is I distain and have never seen most of the pseudo-reality squalor that passes for entertainment. Meaning: No Idol, No Amazing Race, No bitch-slap in the kitchen shows, No Survivor, No shows at all where some expert verbally abuses the contestants, and No shows with weigh-ins.

So you ask: What do you watch? Well I am the Poker Shrink, so I like the shows with massive psychological content. My very first favorite was The Osbournes. I have said before, when anyone tells me they come from a dysfunctional family, I tell them to buy the first season of the Osbournes, so that they might truly understand the concept.

For similar reasons, I really liked Intervention the first season and I sometimes still watch the first half of the show. The second half of each show, the actual interventions, are basically all the same: you ambush the evil, stupid, pathetic loser of a user, they resist, relatives cry while reading their heart-felt thoughts, the loser caves and goes off to rehab. Tedious. But the first half, where people with massive addictions allow cameras to follow them around while they stick needles in their arms, drink pint after quart of various beverages and gamble the rent, baby food and family jewels on some of the longest shots in creation. That part, I find fascinating.

Speaking of family jewels, the Gene Simmons Show was also a big favorite. Both because Gene is highly intelligent and incredibly greedy with almost no actual reflection on his part. Yet his kids have him read perfectly and actually get the opportunity to reflect on dad's addiction to money without him actually getting it. The playmate wife (Shannon Tweed) is the weak spot in the show but not so the playmates, playgirls, in my current favorite: The Girls Next Door.

Hugh Hefner's agreement to participate in the show was business genius and the progression and development of the project over four years has been incredibly interesting when you consider the collective IQ of the Girls is .. well .. above adequate. More on Hefner next time (unless life gets in the way).

Observations on the Digital Screen

[Content Disclosure: Poker 0%, Television 101%, Delirium 14%, Nyquil 17 ounces]

I recently had a week long bout with evil viruses and germs, which made sitting here in front of my laptop a less than rewarding experience. Not only was my head full of cerebral cotton but my insight was reduced to the level of Mayberry RFD. So I took to my cave and brought out the couch comforter, the two super-sized bottle of Nyquil (one green and one red) and the remote control.

Where I reside these days there is a monster television screen and literally dozens of stations I have never explored and several score more I never knew existed. These are my reflections on a short week of Dextromethorphan infused exploration of television--January, 2008.

Not only are most adults not Smarter Than a Fifth Grader, most fifth graders aren't either.

Apparently Brittany Spears is more significant to the welfare of the country than either the presidential race or the looming recession.

If you are considering buying a home and spending $30,000 to remodel it so you can "flip it" in 30 days.... Don't!

Forensic Science has a lot to do with cutting the heads off of Q-Tips.

Oh and on that same subject, I know where all the disco lights from the 70's have gone; they are now installed in CSI labs all over the country. My cold got better before I could discover the exact reason for this but it may have something to do with the highlights in David Caruso's hair.

I thought I understood Hugh Hefner all these years but "The Girls Next Door" has given me new insight into his personality and now I am very, very confused about the Playboy Philosophy.

Many grown men and now several women still talk for two weeks about one football game, as if millions of people were listening. Oh and on this same topic: history is not made, never has been made and never will be made in a football stadium, at least not by anyone on the field.

The first half of the show "Intervention" is often compelling programming. The second half is not much more than Jerry Springer. On that same note, I believe the last time I took this much over the counter medication and watched this much television, I concluded that Jerry Springer was the sign of the End Times. Clearly I was wrong but that the human species will actually find a way to debase itself in worse ways is mind-boggling.

The most dramatic portion of the new wave of game shows seems to be when the host announces a commercial break, which for some reason surprises and distresses the contestants.

Politicians are saying what they have always said. This is neither political cynicism nor apathy; they really are saying exactly the same words they have said time and time again. Change, tax relief, a critical time for our country....

Digital Television really is much clearer and in many cases this is not a good thing. See Jerry Springer reference above.

In its nineteenth season, The Simpson's remains the most coherent commentary on life in the United States, rivaled only by the short-lived The Osbourne's and the Home Shopping Network, which may be the new sign of the Beast.

No cable news network is middle of the road, much less neutral but at least Fox News admits to being right wing.

Finally and seriously, it appears from all of the news shows I watched that the war in Iraq has either been won, lost or put on hold because they have stopped reporting on it. Remember when the "Vietnam War during the dinner hour" pushed many to question the government's policies in SouthEast Asia. Now, it seems, the corporate news conglomerates have simply stopped covering a war. Where have you gone Joe DiMaggio?